This blog is written by a lady who enjoys providing Erotic Naturist Massages in Kent

I am a lady who enjoys giving erotic naturist massages in Kent -a specialist Lingam Massage, Kent, UK.

BT Internet users read this

Emailing me? Read this:
I reply to all my emails. If you do not receive a reply from me please check your spam or it may be lost in the world of wifi....
I answer the phone Mon-Fri at about 9am.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Am I normal?

It is six months since my last confession. I had Almost forgotten my password! In fact, I've been blogging, just a little, on the new blog attached to my website.
If you want to take a look it is here: ukLingamMassage

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Back to work...

Like everyone else I thought I should go with convention and write a back to work & Happy New Year blog.
That's. Consider it done.
I've only seen 2 clients this year. So getting out of practice.
I forgot a pillow for the first one. A dear regular who didn't hesitate to remind me.
For the second (another dear regular, I have to write that in case he is reading) I forgot our glasses of water.  It is thirsty work.
Perhaps I'll get it all right on the third session.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Sexy Massage in December 2014

December is always a busy month in the world of massage as is January. Perhaps when it is dark, and around Christmas time, men feel the need to treat themselves.
Perhaps an erotic massage is the antidote to work-Christmas-parties?
My tip for the month then is book ahead if you can.

Unfortunately I have lots of missed calls. I can't answer the phone if I'm with a client or if I'm out and about.  So do persist or better still, email me. Please do not text though. I don't do texts.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Will erotic Massage be made illegal?

Northern Ireland have moved a step close to making it a criminal offense to pay for sexual services ( see here http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-29699626 )
in the very mistaken belief that this will prevent the terrible things that happen to some young women: being raped, trafficked, kidnapped, etc.   We've heard those harrowing stories on the news.
The men who do those terrible things to women (the kidnappers and traffickers) do not care about the law, they are already breaking many laws.  The idea behind the new law is to take away the demand side so that there is no financial gain to be had from pimping, from trafficking women, keeping them prisoner and renting their bodies for sex.
The logic of this argument is beyond belief, to me.  
It is akin to saying that because some children are kept as slaves to work in factories in appalling conditions with out rights or reasonable pay we will ban all imported clothes, or ban factories, or make cotton an illegal commodity.  Ridiculous.  We do not assume all foreign factories are bad employers, we do not assume working in a factory must be inherently inhumane.
Take my work, by contrast.
I am a qualified massage therapist living in an area where £40 per hour for a massage is the usual rate.  It is an area over run with qualified therapists, however, so it could be extremely tough to attract enough clients to make a living from massage.
I'm happy to take my clothes off, I'm happy for my clients to be naked, I could perhaps charge more for a naturist massage. I like doing the erotic massage that is described on my website for which clients pay between £120 to £190 per session (not enough time in one hour).  Clients know exactly what to expect because I have given a full description of the service on the website, I can earn a reasonable amount (I'm not a high earner it's just a living) doing a job I like.
If such a law was to be passed in England, overnight my clients could be turned into criminals.  They are lovely, decent respectable people (like most men).  I do not know if clients would continue to visit me.  I expect existing clients may keep coming but it may be hard to reassure new clients that there will not be policemen outside my house.
There are a whole group of anti-prostitution campaigners who think every women working in the industry of selling sexual services wants to get out or would be better off if she were out of this business.  This is simply not true.  There are many mature, well educated women offering sexual services of some sort in the UK because they want to, it has been a life-enhancing positive career choice for them.
Am I in denial, would I be better off if I didn't do Lingam Massages? Absolutely not, my life would be tougher.

What of the men who pay?  They are not some criminal underclass, subset of society.  In my experience they are respectful, polite and respectable.  Many of them are single.  Many of them have no sexual partner.  For them, women like myself are providing a vital service that increases self esteem and a sense of mental well being.  





Tuesday, 9 September 2014

September must be back to work month

It is for me anyway.  Lovely to have loads of time off in August and I always find September is then one of the busiest months of the year for massage bookings.
I guess my clients have been busy too and now they need some relaxation and pampering before the seriously dark cold weather sets in.
I highly recommend booking a Lingam Massage session in advance as I generally only take one or two bookings per day, sometimes people can't believe how difficult it can be to find a mutually good time in our diaries.
But I often do have availability at short notice so it never hurts to call on the off chance...

Friday, 13 June 2014

The tantric part of the lingam massage!

One could think that a lingam massage is focused on the penis.  Yes your penis will get plenty of attention.
But is that all you are expecting?
I can't comment on what other people do but from my point of view your whole body is covered in sensitive skin that can be stimulated.
Not for getting sound, sight and smell.
Of course, there is also the mind.

To my mind, A tantric lingam massage is not a quick w***, a hand job.  It is a tantric session that has prepared for the needs of all your senses.


Wednesday, 4 June 2014

is-tantric-massage-sexual-or-spiritual?

​For me (and perhaps my clients) the things that I can't relate to on many websites about tantric massage are the comments about
  • Chakras
  • Spiritualism
  • Cosmic energy
  • Goddesses
and that sort of thing.  I know some would say tantric practise is fundamentally a philosophy that incorporates some elements of those things.  They talk about energy but not in the way that I would use this word.
There is a huge gulf.  
I am an English woman and my beliefs are fundamentally secular and science based, perhaps reflecting my culture.  Energy is something that I was taught in physics lessons and is all about the movements of atoms (from what I remember).  
If the philosophy and language of the spiritual approach appeal to you that is fine - it depends what you are looking for.  I believe the experience you can have in a session without the religious esoteric baggage can be equally as good.  In fact, people with strong views on these things can be completely turned of by the spiritual language.  Please do not introduce me a Goddess!  
You have such wonderful feelings in and after a tantric session and the reason can be explained with modern science (if you need a reason).  
AND
You can achieve the experience with or without bringing a philosophy or religious dogma to the table.  Let me know if you would like more on the scientific approach to tantric massage.... 

Monday, 2 June 2014

Thursday, 15 May 2014

Tantric massage services come and go

There are many here today and gone tomorrow businesses but I am still here and expect to be here for many years to come.
Blink and you might miss them!
My new website could still do with some work, things like that are on going projects, never really finished but always updated.
Nevertheless, I have contributed to my new blog there too.

Friday, 9 May 2014

Men who pay for sex & Lingam Massage

A quick run down of my customer demographics.  I haven't been giving them those forms to complete but just from my assessment based on conversations and observations. Read all about it here:
http://uklingammassage.co.uk/blog
My new website, at the same old address, has its own blog/news page so I guess I will mostly write their now but may write here too.

The shape of the site is finished but there is lots of info I can add.  What I would say to men who are wanting to visit me the important pages to read re those under the tab of Lingam Massage.
The others pages are optional extras, my attempt to improve the world.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

How's the new website going?

It is up - thank you for asking.
The changes are small but they are there.
It is not finished, however, there are going to be some more pages going into some of the issues clients bring to me.

One of the best things is that I now tell you on my Booking page whether I am available over the next few days.  I intend to keep that up to date for people who make plans at the last minute.
And I am hoping to set that availability information on the front page for added convenience.

So the new website is still a work in progress and the biggest changes are yet to come.

Friday, 11 April 2014

April 2014

On the subject of being available (see last blog post) I am not available much over the next few weeks.  There are just 2 or 3 sessions free inbetween bookings, plus personal commitments and family gatherings.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

How should my availability page work on my new website?

I could put up dates, lets say for the week ahead and blank out the days when I am definitely NOT available. I know my dad is coming to visit one day, for example, and my dentist appointment another afternoon.
I know one of my regular clients is visiting me on the Friday morning, so I can mark that as not available too.
BUT
what about the other appointments in my diary?

You see some weeks I may have 3 or 4 appointments booked within the next 7 days AND sometimes everyone of them cancels.
Yes not one of them turns up but thankfully at least the vast majority of clients do let me know one or two days before.
If I had blanked all of those spaces other potential clients viewing my diary might not contact me as they think I'm fully booked.  so, I might leave those dates as available even if there are bookings unless I am very confident the client will attend.

From what clients tell me they fall into two categories:
1. Those who can book ahead and like to work this way, there visit to me will be timetabled to fit in with work or specific events.
I must admit I also like to work this way.

2. Those who can only book at the LAST minute - the night before or on the day.
Due to work and other pressures.
Last minute bookings don't work well at the moment so it would be really good to have a better method for those.
I am thinking that what might work for these men is to just know for definite whether I have availability within the next 12-24 hours.  They are not interested in 3 days time.

Thinking as I type here - 
1. perhaps I could put an indicative diary on an availability page.
AND
2. update my availability for the next 24 hours every evening (perhaps 6pm ish) on the very front page


 ****   By the way - it is very rare for someone to simply not turn up but it does happen - to quantify I estimate about 3 times a year. *****  If you are one of those men please have more consideration, it is not normal, most men do not do that.  I could not continue to make a living if everyone did that and as I only usually see one client a day then someone else will have missed the opportunity because the time was held for you.


Monday, 24 March 2014

Suggestions for my new website

I have received quite a few useful suggestions and comments to take on board for my new website.
I think it is going to have lots more pages - I have so much to say -  but I am trying to reorganise the information to be easier to navigate.
Not all the info is relevant to all site visitors.

I am planning:
-  a page that will be regularly updated with my availability.
-  some answers to new FAQs that people send me via email.
-  the prices will stay exactly the same.

Hopefully the new website will be online next week.

Friday, 21 March 2014

99% nice guys, 1% lecherous creeps

If you have read my website but never visited me it may be very hard for you to understand how just a tiny minority of clients are annoying and seem like lecherous creeps.  Surely every session is the same, what is it that those men do that is different.

Well most men come to enjoy what I have to offer.  This minority come with their own agenda not wanting to understand or try the experience offered.

There is a pattern of behaviour and conversation that takes place with certain men, they obviously think it is normal but it is not.

For example, their eyes are open most of the session looking at me, not just looking (of course normal people will have their eyes open sometimes, we will chat and make eye contact) but starring in a lecherous way?  And they even make many comments about looking at me.

Another thing will be - the conversation, it is not the subject of the comments themselves but the way they are said and the many times they say the same thing: e.g. my appearance and that my clients must want to touch me.
No it is not normal to make many comments along these lines and my silence is because I have no POLITE reply to give you.

Another thing will be - instead of relaxing to enjoy the mystery of what will happen and experience the feelings of touch on their skin they stay totally alert and perhaps trying to control what is happening.  Remember, for most people this session is about experiencing with ALL the senses, especially making the most of touch and imagination.
I would conclude, therefore, that their experience of the session is totally different to the majority who float out of here after having a sensational experience.

It really is their loss.  My service is explained on the website and is very expensive, I expect these men would be better served by some other service provider.

This behaviour really could make a women uncomfortable:
I am approaching 50 years of age and have done this job for more years than you can imagine so I refuse to feel uncomfortable - instead I'm distracted from my job and annoyed.

So what do I do? Should I say Something?
As a professional I treat all clients with the greatest respect and I say nothing.  I have cut 2 hour sessions short to 90 minutes and refunded the £30.  I have smiled as they left and made a note to never accept another appointment from that person, at least one has tried to book again.
I do not ever point out that their behaviour is creepy, strange or annoying because they have paid a great deal of money to visit me, maybe they are leaving on a high so I do not want to spoil that for them.
But
I am sure clients who understand the service and relax to enjoy what is really on offer here have a far better time.

What about Men With Real Problems Relating to People?

I do see clients with real problems, communication and relating to people, difficulties talking to women, low self esteem, issues with body image and embarrassed about their sexual performance.
These clients are welcome - I see many men like this, they are in a completely different category to the creepy letch I discuss above.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Don't Worry - My Business is Totally Legal - WE Are not Breaking the Law When You Visit Me

Thank goodness in the UK if an adult wants to have a naturist or erotic massage there is no law against it.
And
If a man pays for an erotic lingam massage he is not a criminal.
And
As a woman who provides that service for many clients I am not breaking any laws.

All common sense you would think.

If you want to enjoy erotic touch, perhaps you do not have a partner who can do this for you so why not pay a professional?

There are a minority who want to make my clients criminals! They want to make it illegal for anyone to pay for a sexual service.

This minority have the view that if there is no-one in your life willing to have sex with you for free then you are NOT entitled to make any other arrangements.

Those people must think sex and touch are not important - but they are.

Don't worry though, I'm fairly certain they won't get anywhere with that plan.


Friday, 14 March 2014

Lingam massage now with extra padding - a more comfortable table!

I have new supper thick padding for my massage table.

I don't think you could be more comfortable anywhere else.

Perfect at men lie there for 90 minutes, 2 hours or even longer....

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Womens Hour & Prostitution to be illegal - clients to be criminals


I got quite cross listening to Radio 4 Woman's hour yesterday on the subject of prostitution.  We heard of a number of women who were "traficed", kidnapped, held as prisoners beaten, raped  and forced into prostitution.  Fortunately those women escaped and lived to tell.
What happened to them is wrong and many criminal offenses were committed under our exiting laws.

I would certainly like to see more done about this and I can't understand how or why some men would choose to pay to have sex (rape) these unwilling victims.

R4 Women's Hour was presenting the case put by the
All-Party Parliamentary Group on Prostitution and the Global Sex Trade
in their new report:Shifting the Burden
you can find it here:
http://appgprostitution.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/shifting-the-burden.pdf

In a nut shell it say that the vast majority of women providing sexual services for sale are:
  • women who were abused as children,
  • drug users
  • subject to violent pimps,
  • regularly meet violent clients,
  • are trapped in a world they would like to escape from,
  • are subject to crime because they are fearful of the police.

This might describe some women but I seriously doubt if applies to most and it certainly does NOT describe me!

I think of my good friend who has worked as a self employed "escort" for over 20 years.  When she was unfortunately threatened with violence and robbed by a client she did not hesitate to call the police. The man was wanted for various violent crimes, was arrested and went to prison for several years.  There was no problem for my friend, as a prostitute (and tax payer) she is not a criminal, she was not scared of the police and she was happy to testify in court against him.

You may think that proves sex-workers meet violent clients.  Not really, that was only one in thousands of clients she has seen, whereas I hear teachers, nurses and doctors are regularly threatened and bank staff hide behind big counters and bullet proof glass!

Why is this issue important.
Well if you turn to the recommendations of the report, the All Parliamentary Group say:

  • Criminalise the MEN who pay for sexual services.

I don't have sex with my clients but even if I did currently it is not against the law.  Neither I nor my clients are committing any criminal offence.

It would seem that the All Parliamentary Group will turn my clients in to criminals and will turn the clients of my friend in to criminals.

Our legitimate and respectable business will suffer and may close, whereas it will be business as usual for those people who already keep women as prisoners to rape them.

I could say so much more... but I will let you think on it.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Increase Stamina and Lingam Massage

Clients sometimes ask about if or how a Lingam Massage could increase their sexual stamina.

Sometimes I am a bit vague with my answer saying I can't guarantee anything it is down to them - which is true but not very helpful.  Sorry about that.

So I thought I should pull some useful advice together - perhaps in preparation for my planned revamped website...

There are lots of good stuff already on the www so let me start by giving you some links to what I think are good advice:

A good place to start is always wikipedia is here is the article on premature ejaculation.  In relation to the wiki article the process I am using is the Stop Start refinement to the Masters and Johnson approach.

Have a look at these:

How to Last Longer: by M Okan


When you read around you will see there are different top tips according to who you talk to and that is why I am giving you the links.  things I think are less important and that I wouldn't even mention might be exactly what you need, we are all different.

In my opinion (and it is just that) I think some of the top things are:

  • stop worrying about cuming too soon!
  • Try not to have an agenda when enjoying sensual touch (sex)
  • Turn off your mind - we often have internal monologues going on - try to switch it off
  • Practice thinking about something else - when I am touching your penis think about what is going on in your feet at the moment, or think about the smell in the room, or the sound of the music - I deliberately have interesting stimulating music that can be both complimentary or distracting to the lingam massage.
  • Don't be afraid to speak to me and tell me to stop and touch some where else, sometimes I do not realise me clients are over the edge of no return!

Lets talk about Breathing and Ritual to Increase sexual stamina!

Almost every book and article on the subject will talk about breathing including those I have linked to.
Tarkovsky describes a certain way of breathing.  If this works for you fine. Personally I do not think it has to be done in this way, I think the point of the ritual is two fold:

  1. it makes you focus your thoughts on the breathing and away from other matters in hand!  
  2. it ensures you bring plenty of oxygen in to your body (chances are you may be holding your breath or taking shallow breaths without realising.

Therefore, I think any process that makes you think about breathing deeply, rhythmically will work.
Breathing helps you to relax.
When we train in massage we learn that if you tell someone to relax they will instantly tense up - we don't know what that means, if we tell people t think about there breathing (and perhaps pace it with them) this relaxes them without them even realising.

Let me know what you think and send me links to other articles.  If you leave a message on this blog it is not published instantly, it is moderated. You can email me at ylmkent@yahoo.co.uk

xxx








Friday, 28 February 2014

I had to cancel a Lingam Massage Appointment the other day...

... no I wasn't ill, my house wasn't flooded or blown away and I didn't just fancy doing something else.

I just had a feeling this was not going to work out well for either of us.  I don't need to put myself through 2 hours with someone I don't like just for money, I'm really not that hard up.
The man doesn't realise it but I also did him a favour because the service I offer is probably not right for him.

Years of experience of life has given me this insight.  Most of my appointments are booked through the exchange of emails, this works well.  Most people ask reasonable questions if they have any at all (my website does explain most things) and seem very pleasant.

Just a few make comments that make me wonder if my service is right for them, have they even read the website?

After an exchange of emails with the man in question the final straw was when he called me hun.
Now it may seem trivial to you but I simply do not see people who call me hun or babe.
It is language they have chosen to use and it tells me enough about them to tell me that I do not want to spend my time with them.

I'm sure it would not occur to the vast majority of men, and certainly the men who visit me, to call a woman "hun" when you have never met her and you are hoping to receive a professional service from her.

It just seems rude so how discourteous will he be if I meet him in person?

I did, of course, write about this not so long ago.
http://ylmkent.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/would-you-like-your-lingam-massage-to.html

My regular and frequent visitors may well wonder who is this stroppy woman writing this blog, not the friendly massage lady they know.  I'm fairly easy going and friendly most of the time and I enjoy a chat and even a little banter but I hope you all feel I treat you with dignity and respect as well as respecting your confidentiality and I feel you do the same.

I really like my clients and there is not one man, who I have seen more than once, who I wouldn't look forward to seeing again.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

New UK Lingam Massage WEBsite

I have decided to revamp my website.
So over the next couple of weeks I will be making some notes about information I should either:
add
change
remove.

Any suggestions from you readers will be most welcome.
The web address is uklingammassage.co.uk if you want to remind yourself of what is says now.

There are 7 pages:
Home
About
Bookings
FAQ
Fees
Premises
What is YLM

They could probably be renamed and reorganised.

What time scale am I working to?  Just getting thoughts together over the next few weeks.  Then put them to the website designer guy in mid-February.
Hope to get it online for you all to see before Easter.

Friday, 3 January 2014

Why it is difficult to book a massage by text message

Mostly I don't reply to text messages and for good reason: because my phone is turned off.
I can't be on stand-by to deal with enquiries 24/7, who does work like that?

When I turn my phone on there will be various messages such as:
"Where are you"
That is easy to answer.

"How much do you charge for an hour?"
Me thinks see my website, I don't offer an hour, it is not enough time.  My website is online 24/7 to answer queries like this.

"Are you working today?"
Well, I might be working but as I only do one or two sessions daily I may well be fully booked up so what the question should say is,
"Are you available for a booking today."
Not simple to answer, however, as I have to check the date the message was sent.

It seems most people have unrealistic expectations with regards to text messages - they expect an instant reply.  As my phone is actually turned off most of the time my reply may arrive 24-48 hours later (if at all - mostly I delete with out reading them, for good reason, I explain below).

When I reply to a message the reply I then receive is a question: 
"Who are you."

There is no point in me replying to text messages as the people who send then do not even remember who I am or why they contacted me!  
They must imagine I have nothing to do but tap out instant replies to their queries.  Most of the queries would be answered if they called and listened to my voice message or if they read my website.

They would probably get a faster and more comprehensive reply if they emailed me.  Call me old fashioned, or just call me old, I am of such a great age that I do not have text messages and emails in harmony on the same device.  I like my little computer and usually reply to emails fairly swiftly.



Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Booking Erotic Massage in Christmas Holiday Period

I'm not working on Christmas day, of course, that must go without saying.  And I will be planning trips to the panto. Oh yes I will!

I am, however, available for advanced bookings over the Christmas holiday season, advanced bookings must be made by email. I will not be taking general telephone enquiries, mostly my phone will be switched off.

Actually, my phone is usually switched off - communication by text message really doesn't work for me!

Monday, 2 December 2013

December is the busiest time of year

Here we are on the second day of December and looking in my diary I am almost fully booked for the month ahead.
To put that in context - I rarely see more than one client a day, so when I say I'm fully booked today that may mean just one booking!
Then there are other things I need to do to.
So unless I have a cancellation at this very moment the only days still available this week are Sat 6th & Sun 7th.
And I probably only have about 5 sessions available in the rest of December!
My next year's diary, however, is looking very blank at the moment. :)

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Would You Like Your Lingam Massage to be Done By a Babe?

Recent email exchange went as follows:
Where are you?
I'm in Kent
Too far for me babe.

Babe? Why babe on the end of the sentence?
Is this really the way to address someone you have never met? What kind of people use this word and why? What does it mean?  I'm sure I'm not one.

I think it is a term used by a young person with poor social skills and poor vocabulary but I could be wrong.  I'm probably old enough to be his mother, may be almost his granny!

I'm fairly certain I never actually see real clients who call call any women babe!
So, dear reader, if babe (or hun) is part of your language I'm probably not the woman you are looking for.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

How much Time Do I spend on the Lingam when I give a Massage

From time to time I get asked this question.
I think it is  a strange one, isn't everything about what to expect right there on my website?

Not an unreasonable question, though so I have given it a lot of thought.
Really every session is different.  Usually men lay on their stomach for between 30-45 minutes. The remaining time they are on their backs and in this time I touch them all over.

So the lingam area might only receive 10 minutes of touch or as much as 45 minutes. It might be 15% of the massage or as much as 45%.

On my website I explain that the service is not about just one area of the body it is about the whole body being touched, feeling good and feeling erotic.  For example many men have told me they have never experienced their feet/toes being touched in such a away and would have never expected that part of their body to feel so sensual.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Topless or Not Topless that is the question?

Had an email today asking me to remove topless pictures from my blog.  Is that the strangest email ever I have ever received?  Yes quite possibly.
I don't know whether the same person is heading a one-man campaign to remove scantily clad images from the web, page 3 from the Sun and the lad-mags from the supermarkets.

The rational in the email is that as some of my clients choose for me to wear my uniform in the session that is how I should appear on the website.  You don't follow that argument? No I don't follow it either.

Some people, a minority but a large minority, do book for a 90 minute or a two hour session and prefer for me to wear my uniform.  The majority choose equal status.  The details of the service with the price is fully explained on my website.  Do you have a problem with that?  Please leave you comments here.

It is the exceptional and unusual that that inspire my blogs, of course.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Time for a hot sexy massage...

After a few warm Indian Summer days it is time to get the extra radiator plugged in to make sure my massage room is lovely and cosy for winter sessions.  I have plenty of availability, in fact I can tell you that I am fully booked on Thur 10th, and weekend of 12/13th October.

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Ladies offering Lingam Massage across UK

I am regularly asked if I can recommend someone in a different area of the UK who might offer the same service as me.
Sorry I can't.
Many of my clients are driving for more than 1 hour to see me and some travel hundreds of miles so I guess my lingam massage service is fairly unique.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

busy September & what about October

It has been a busy month, perhaps my busiest ever, don't know haven't checked my records but seems possible.
I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend though with no work booked until Monday and I will be having a few days off in October.